How to Write an Obituary
When You’re Grieving
If you’re writing an obituary while grieving, it may feel like the timing couldn’t be worse. Your heart is heavy, your thoughts may feel scattered, and yet you’re being asked to find words that somehow honor an entire life.
Why Writing an Obituary While Grieving Feels So Hard
Grief affects more than emotions. It touches memory, concentration, energy, and confidence. Tasks that would normally feel manageable can suddenly feel impossible.
There is also a unique kind of pressure attached to obituaries. They feel final. Public. Permanent. Many people worry about:
Saying the wrong thing
Forgetting something important
Disappointing family members
Not capturing the “right” version of the person
All of this can make the task feel much heavier than it actually needs to be.
When grief is present, it’s not a lack of ability that makes this hard—it’s the weight of love and loss.
Before You Begin: A Small Permission
Before thinking about structure or wording, it helps to pause and release a few expectations.
You do not have to:
Write this all at once
Be eloquent or poetic
Include everything
Feel ready
You are allowed to write slowly.
You are allowed to come back to it later.
You are allowed to ask for help.
An obituary does not require emotional readiness. It only requires honesty and care—and even those can be offered gently, in small pieces.
What an Obituary Needs (And What It Doesn’t)
At its most basic, an obituary exists to acknowledge a life and inform others of a loss. Everything beyond that is flexible.
It does not need to be long.
It does not need to be formal.
It does not need to explain or justify anything.
If it helps, think of an obituary not as a summary of a life, but as a doorway—an invitation for others to remember, reflect, and honor in their own way.
A Gentle Way to Start
If the blank page feels overwhelming, don’t start with sentences. Start with notes.
You might begin by writing down:
Their name
One or two things they loved
A word that feels true about who they were
These do not have to be in order. They do not have to sound good. They are simply a place to begin.
Many obituaries are written not from inspiration, but from accumulation—small truths gathered slowly.
Writing an Obituary While Grieving Takes Time
Writing an obituary while grieving often happens in moments of exhaustion, confusion, and emotional overload. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong — it means you’re doing it honestly.
What to Include, Step by Step
Basic Information
This is the grounding part, and often the easiest place to start.
Full name (and nickname, if applicable)
Date of birth and date of death
Where they lived or were from
This creates a foundation and gives your mind something concrete to hold onto.
A Few Meaningful Details
This is where people often feel the most pressure—but it doesn’t have to be complicated.
You might include:
What brought them joy
How they spent their time
What people will remember about them
These details can be simple. Loving the garden. Calling every Sunday. Never missing a card. Meaning often lives in the ordinary.
Family and Relationships
If you choose to list family members, remember that this is not a test of completeness. It is okay to keep this brief, and it is okay to acknowledge relationships without explanation.
There is no requirement to resolve complicated family dynamics in an obituary.
Service or Memorial Information (If Known)
If services are planned and you wish to include them, that’s appropriate. If plans are still uncertain—or if you prefer not to include this at all—that is also appropriate.
Uncertainty is part of grief. An obituary can reflect that honestly.
When the Words Feel Out of Reach
Some days, the words simply won’t come. When that happens, it can help to step away from writing about the person and instead write to them.
A sentence that begins with “You were…” or “I will always remember…” may never appear in the final version—but it can unlock something true.
You are allowed to write drafts that no one else will ever see.
Common Questions People Ask
“What if I don’t do them justice?”
No obituary can capture a whole life. Doing justice does not mean saying everything—it means saying something true.
“What if it’s too short?”
Length is not a measure of love. Many meaningful obituaries are only a few paragraphs long.
“What if I make a mistake?”
Mistakes can be corrected. Words can be revised. The love behind them remains.
“What if I’m not ready?”
You don’t have to be ready. You only have to begin where you are.
You’re Writing for the Living, Too
While an obituary honors the person who has died, it also serves those who are still here. It helps others understand the loss, find connection, and feel less alone in remembering.
Seen this way, an obituary is not a performance—it’s an offering.
And offerings don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
There Is No Right Pace
Some people write an obituary quickly, almost instinctively. Others need days or weeks. Neither way is better or more loving.
Grief has its own rhythm. Writing within that rhythm—rather than fighting it—is an act of care.
If You Need Support
If writing feels like too much to hold on your own, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re carrying a great deal.
Support can look like:
A gentle framework
A second set of eyes
Someone who understands both grief and language
Accepting help does not take anything away from the meaning of what you’re creating.
A Quiet Closing Thought
If you’re writing an obituary while grieving, the fact that you’re trying at all already speaks volumes.
Whatever you write—however unfinished it may feel—will carry the truth of love. And that, more than anything else, is what matters.
